I was surprised to wrap up today's afternoon session of the MBE and feel not-exhausted. Don't get me wrong, I was tired, but I think I felt more spent last night than tonight.

But what I do feel tonight is fear. Pure, unadulterated fear.

It came on towards the end of dinner. And then it smacked me upside the head. Hard.

Back at the hotel, I grabbed my stack of outlines and collapsed onto the bed. The subjects ballooned in my hands and suddenly what was a reasonable number of subjects and magic words became an unreasonable amount of stuff I just don't know.

See, I might have lost the game already. That question 3 had a lot of holes in it, I know that. Or the MBEs - they've always been a weakness. I score the same all the time, within a few questions, but that margin could lose it for me too. Or maybe I am passing right now - but I fumble tomorrow. So we don't know what will happen. What's the state of the exams in the box? Too many chips, too many places for them to fall. And suddenly, it seemed insurmountable.

I read over the outlines and things just kept getting worse. Then, I stopped. I didn't stop reading, just stopped panicking. Sort of. Enough. I hate that I can't even even discount what's already been tested. I hate that there will probably be a PR question. I hate that all three of tomorrow's questions could make me feel like question 3. I hate that in a few months, everyone who comes to celebrate with me tomorrow night might know that I didn't pass. I hate that I might know that I didn't pass. I hate that the results come out on the first night of my college reunion. I hate that my boyfriend isn't here. I hate that I am letting myself run on like this when this is, honestly, just another goddamn test that only says anything about me because I'm letting it - because I elected to let it - because I paid them to let it. This isn't me. I was really enjoying being me for the last 8 months or so and I don't like moving away from that standard again.

Phew.

But tomorrow is coming. There are just 3 hours of bad stuff left and then 3 hours of stuff for which I can't study.

So I'll sign off. I hope to look back on this post someday and laugh at myself for being so worried. I hope, I hope, I hope.

I'm going to watch the end of a Law & Order re-run now. Because that's just like studying.